Still Searching...

Well, I guess I shouldn't say I'm actively "searching". I guess it's that I'm more in a holding pattern, just kind of waiting to see what comes next. Don't get me wrong, I can be a patient person at times, but for now my patience has run out, and I'm done waiting for others to make moves. I'll just wait this one out, and keep my eyes open like I always do.

Who were you?? I saw you at school today, twice. I don't know why I did not say "Hi". I guess I was scared. Didn't know how to approach, or maybe it was that I did, and I was just afraid to use the social tools I've developed. I've spent a good deal of time working these skills, and when the opportune moment comes, I freeze. Too much fear. Too much fear. Nix that fear, It helps nothing except the negative forces that it is generated from. Tomorrow I won't make the same mistake, I'll say "Hi."

My mental gears have shifted. I am no longer content living in a world where peoples actions are swept under the rug simply because "that's the way it goes", or "that's how THEY are". I don't care. I just don't care any more. Like I said, my patience has run out, and it's time to make changes yet again. Someone once told me, "be the change you wish to see in the world." I know that's a famous quote, but the way it was said to me made me feel as if it was written specifically for me. Too much time has been spent talking about things. If I ever want to reach my destiny I had better sack up now before it's too late, and they leave me behind.

I know they are watching, always watching. Calculating moves,placing me in situations just to see how I'll react. I know this because you've told me, you've made your presence known, and I appreciate it. It validates my philosophies, and speculations. I appreciate the signs you give me every day, even though at times I blatantly disregard them. I look forward to another visit, I know it's coming soon, my soul is pulling me in your direction again.

I must say this clearly. If you've stood in my way previously, you had better watch out. If you've dragged me around, well I'm sorry I just don't have time for your nonsense any more. If you've wronged me, Karma is real. An eye for an eye does make the whole world blind, but I'm not a vengeful person. The Golden Rule is to Treat others how you wish to be treated. In fact it's the central basis for EVERY religion. Then the religions stem off, and choose sides, and turn us against ourselves. It's time to lift the "veil of ignorance" and prove to this planet that we are one race, the human race. It's time to grow up and learn to live by the Golden Rule.

So like I said, I'm not going to get revenge, I'm just gonna play the game your way, treating you the way you've asked me to treat you with your actions. Let's see how you like it.

This may all seem dark and dreary, but for the past almost two weeks I haven't blogged, this has all been brooding. God, it feels good to release it through these fingers I've been blessed with. It's a beautiful day outside, and Tucker wants to play.

Life is as good as you make it.

Dear Blog.

I swear I have a juicy update coming. I promise. I just don't have time right now.

Love,

Sean

Welcome Back.

Hey there Sean, so nice to see you again. You had left on a rather quick note, and I'm glad you've returned in one piece.

How does this happen? Why do I let it happen, because I know I can comfortably say that this was not the first time I "went off the deep end". I mean, I couldn't even sit with close friends and enjoy an entire roller derby match. I ran. I flew.

Highway 17. A meditative road to say the least. A 2008 Honda Element, stock, flew that road in just about fifteen minutes. It was as if I felt like I was a walking zombie, some negative forces sucking the life from me. It took a near car wreck to make me feel alive again. To interject real quick... have you ever been driving and thought what it would feel like just to run your car off of the road? To put yourself at the mercy of the forces that control your surroundings? Weird feeling to know, that at any time, one could end it all. But here we are, here I am. Doing what needs to be done. I will not ram the barrier, I will not jump the guard rail. I will not take the easy way.

Thank God for good friends who understand when you gotta go, you just gotta GO. Also for the friends I have that know how to reel me in when I've swum too far out to sea. Thank you, you mean more to me than you know.

No one can beat me, only myself. I keep letting my mind win. Its too easy to point the finger when you feel someone is the cause of your problems. Just remember that when you point the finger, there are always three pointed back at you.

Go with the flow, float the river, now that I'm back, my opponents will quiver.

984 Days. Can we turn this mess around?

Reflections.

I have to say the past two days have been awesome. Great times with my family, and great times with friends.

Last night was especially fun. I was relaxing with P and M at P's dad's house. They were all watching baseball which isn't really my forte. Then the text came...

"We want you here" was all it said.

So I went.

K, D, and myself met at Starbucks and the fun began.

"WE'RE GONNA GET RAPED! WHAT ARE YOU DOING??"
"WHERE ARE YOU TAKING US??"

Classic. I just can't get enough, I say.

Miracle Mountain. Garden State moments. Good times. Really good times. I wouldn't trade these impulsive experiences for anything. Thank you for that.

Then we left. K jumped on 85 and I was hesitant because I knew where we would end up. It was already 11PM and I had school at 9:30 this morning, yet they did as well. We were in it together. We actually made it to Capitola in about 35 minutes. Great theraputic drive, great music, great friends. I'm glad we went.

This morning was actually much too easy to get up for school. My mind is my enemy sometimes. I almost sabotaged our fun, just to come home and probably stay up until about the same time I went to bed. Like I said, I'm glad we went.

I'm gonna destroy this Accounting class, and make it sorry it intimidated me.

All I know is that I really want to see those pictures from last night!

Sean... OUT.

Questions

When?

Where?

Why?

Who?

How?

These questions plague my mind.

...I'm learning patience the hard way.


One thing I must say is that lately I've taken to giving thanks for all the goodness that has come my way lately. I mean, I've always thought of myself as a thankful person, but now I've taken to staring at the sky (preferably at night) and thanking God and the Cosmos for bringing new things/situations my way. All in all, I am thankful.

It feels as if I spent much too long swimming against the current of life. Now I'm just going with the flow, as I'd like to see where it takes me. Sometimes though, it feels as if the current is pulling me under. I try my hardest to tread water, but at times I feel weak, and slip under. I pray for the strength to pull myself to shore and catch my breath.

I must say though, this blog is theraputic. Presently, I'm sitting in a room with close friends and family, and the blog pulled me in. Just a quickie.

I have answers to many ailments, but at the end of the day there is always questions.

The Wrangler Islander

The 1989 Jeep Wrangler Islander... my first car.

Bright yellow, with a sun on each side, and the hood as well... Quite possibly the silliest looking vehicle I'll ever own.

But man, I love that car! I miss driving her. At the end of our precious four years together I relinquished my keys to purchase my new 2008 Honda Element. Thank you dad for buying that Jeep back, and allowing me to drive it.

Today I woke up with plans to go bike riding before the storm. My dad asked me to install the new seatbelts he got for the Jeep. I said, "ok", and went to work. While I was working, Pops came out and told me that since he never gets the chance to drive her, He'd need me to take her out at least once a week. I got her back!

The first belt took at least 30 minutes. Time spent fighting stuck bolts, and trying to figure out how the heck these straps were installed. The second belt was installed in no time.
Checkpoint 1.

Then I decided that since the Jeep was drivable again, I'd go for an adventure with a friend, M. I went to start the car - nothing. She's dead.
I hopped in the Ellie, and drove to Kragen to get a battery. (Hey D, I just named my car! Ellie the Element hah!)

Kragen Auto Parts. Weird place. I feel that every time I go there. The cashier, Alan, was funny though, cracked a joke and made me laugh. $185 later, and a top-notch battery, the Jeep ran for another time.
Checkpoint 2.

As soon as she ran I was excited and was itching to leave as soon as possible. Pops advised to check the fluids... and ALL of them were just about gone! Time does wild things to cars. She sat for a few months...

Kragen Auto Parts. Round Two.
Mike was with me this time, thank God. I needed moral support as I stood in the pouring rain, drizzling oil and anti freeze into my engine. M says, "Why didn't you get a funnel?"

I replied, "funnels are for suckers, I don't need a funnel."

5 Minutes later I made my third purchase of the day at Kragen... A large funnel. M laughed at me. Good times.
Checkpoint 3.

The cruise began. I set the tunes to Sage Francis. The beat was bumping, the rain was pounding, and the conversation was uplifting. Good day with friends. I was trying to mess with the stereo and accidentally set it to shuffle. Good mistake. Queens of the Stone Age - "Mexicola". Good song to find on shuffle.

Drove the Jeep through Los Gatos, and back to Campbell. M saw "Psycho Donuts" and we stopped.

"Would you like some bubble wrap?" She says.

"Sure, why not..." was my reply.

Psycho looking donuts, and bubble wrap. I can dig this.
Checkpoint 4.

Drove back through the side streets, and wound up cruising the strip of Willow Glen on Lincoln Ave. The sharks began to play, and we heard their first two goals on the road, in the car. Dan Rusanowski pumps me up!

I dropped M off at his car, and I returned home again.
Checkpoint 5.

Back at home now, sitting in my room, with the game on in the background. Dinner is cooking, and my brothers will all be here tonight for dinner.

I have to admit, this is the best Easter I've had in years! I didn't wake up still drunk from the night before, like some holidays, because I cancelled those plans and had an awesome time with D last night instead. Charlie Brown and the Chocolate Factory. Good-ness. Helped K provide Easter for the kiddies, and went for a short adventure full of last minute lane changes! I swear I don't always drive that badly, I swear. Seriously though... I'm a good driver.

I digress.

The Sharks are on, good vibes. Nabby is hot tonight.

Life is good.

For now I'll enjoy the rest of Easter. Tomorrow, back to school for the last quarter I'll ever be at De Anza. Time to "grow up". Not time to "sell out". There is a difference.

Women, and Cocaine Cowboys.

Where is the love? Where is the trust?